Yellow Zinnias
by A-Crimson-Evil
Summary: Roxas… It was never about dying, this story, our story, it wasn’t about me dying. It’s about living. Rox, you can’t spend your life waiting to die. You have to live. For me. Your life isn’t over yet. Just mine. .Akuroku. .Character Death.


Author's Note: Yes, I know I shouldn't be writing this…I should be updating… but this has been stuck in my head for days now, and since it's only a one-shot, I didn't feel that bad about writing it. It's very angst-y and kind of tragic… so… um… maybe you should have Kleenexes? Yeah, ha, joking. It's not that good. I'm just touchy about the subject. Dedicated to all cancer patients, and more importantly, the ones left behind.

Disclaimer: I don't own it, it owns me.

* * *

Roxas loved Axel's hair. It was so vibrant, so alive. He could sit on Axel's bed for days, raking his hands through the rich, deep red hair. It was just so healthy and alive, such a contrast to the redhead, whose face got paler every day, whose eyes got a little more sunken. 

Roxas loved Axel's hair, even when it started to fall out. It wasn't really gradual, like balding. No, it came out in chunks. Roxas was supposed to throw it all away, but kept some in a little bag that he kept in his treasure box at home. When all of Axel's hair fell out, Roxas bought him a red hat. It wasn't as good as his hair, but it made Axel smile, and that was good enough for Roxas.

They played cards. They always played a lot of cards. Axel was in debt to Roxas now, because really, Roxas was way too good at poker. Axel could lay in bed all day, losing to Roxas. Sometimes, Roxas let him win, because against that white, white bed in that white, white room, Roxas could see Axel getting white, white, whiter and his cheek bones were jut, jut, jutting out. Roxas sometimes let Axel win, and then he'd grin and tell Roxas that really, he was amazing at poker after all! And Roxas would smile and laugh, because if he didn't, he'd probably cry.

Roxas hated going home. The house was so empty without Axel there to keep him company. Portraits of them from their Unity-Ceremony hung against the maroon walls of their bedroom like a soon-to-be cemetery of memories. He hated how Axel's face could smile at him, so healthy, so young looking, trying to fool him into thinking that everything was okay again. Roxas hated how he could stare at Axel in those pictures and sometimes wish it had never happened, because then it wouldn't hurt so _much_.

He looked through photo albums at home and laughed. He laughed and he smiled and he cried and he sobbed. Pictures of them soared on the pages, pictures from everything. They'd known each other since birth. Pictures of a silly little baby Axel chomping on cookies, poking Roxas, who was crying… Pictures of two teens sleeping on a coach together, most likely taken by Roxas's mom… Pictures of them, a couple kissing in a park surrounded by red roses, for Valentines Day… Pictures of the whole group from high school at their five year reunion… There was Demyx, playing his sitar… and Zexion, playing his Demyx… There was Marluxia, who died because of his motorcycle, and Larxene, who died because of Marluxia… There was life. There was death…. Life, and death, but mostly… Death.

Roxas hated how everything changed. He hated how the seasons would pass, and how each day he went to the hospital, putting on his cheerful face, Axel looked worse. He hated how doctors looked a little more wary each time Roxas talked to them. He hated how people he knew would stop him and smile in that sad, sympathetic smile and ask how Axel was. It wasn't like they even cared, they barely knew him, and they just wanted to know. He hated how everything made him hate it. He hated that he knew he only hated everything because he felt so helpless.

Roxas loved how Axel would kiss him and smile at him and joke with him in his hospital room. He loved how Axel would flirt with the nurses, joking around and pinching them when they weren't looking. He loved how Axel was always so optimistic, and how he was always so comforting, even though it was Roxas who should have been the comforter. He loved how Axel could be so alive when it was obvious that he was losing his battle with life. Roxas loved how Axel let him think that at least for a while, there was still hope.

One day the doctors told him the truth. "There's nothing else we can do for him," they told Roxas. "There's nothing else we can do. He has a couple of weeks, maybe a month, but not much more. We send our deepest sympathies."

Axel didn't take the news too badly. First, he just looked at Roxas, tears streaming down from those beautiful blue eyes, his tan face turning all red and blotchy, his golden hair hanging in front of his face in an attempt to cover his tears. Then he opened up his arms and embraced the blonde, saying only, "Nothing lasts forever, baby."

Axel wasn't afraid. When he was discharged from the hospital, he walked out of the doors proudly, holding Roxas's hand and facing the sun for the first time in at least six months. He squinted and then smiled, letting the rays hit his face, his eyes closed and his smile full of pure joy. Roxas watched in awe, and once again, he felt like crying. A month and this would be gone. How could he stand it?

Roxas did his best. He let the redhead drag him around, doing things that were silly. They'd spend a day rowing a boat around the lake, giggling. Axel got tired a lot, so Roxas did most of the rowing, but he didn't really mind. Axel gave some ducks his entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then took half of Roxas's too. He was losing his appetite, but he tried to eat. Roxas did his best to laugh and smile and be happy, but he was just so… unhappy, so desolate, and so helpless.

Axel made him visit gardens and go to museums with him. Once, he told Roxas that he was trying to learn everything that he should have learned when he had the time. He was reading so many books, about the silliest things. One day Roxas would catch him reading an encyclopedia about anthropology, another day, he'd be reading the full studies of Leonardo De Vinci. At night, they would curl up together and Roxas would just breathe in the pure scent of Axel. Axel would hold Roxas tight, and sometimes, when he was sure Roxas was asleep, he'd cry. Roxas was never asleep… but he never knew what to say, so he always made sure just to let Axel hold him, and to hold Axel a little tighter as well.

Axel was getting so thin. Roxas thought he would float away. Sometimes, Roxas would hold Axel's hand just a little too tight in public, because he thought maybe Axel might float away from him, like a tiny red balloon. Roxas always held tight, because he could feel Axel slipping through his fingers, like sand in a timer. Time was always running out, and there was nothing he could do to stop him.

"What am I going to do without you?" he asked, tears filling his eyes. "How am I going to live without you? How am I going to breathe, how am I going to eat, how am I going to be without you? What am I going to do?" he sobbed, one day as they were sitting on the bed. He wrapped his arms around his legs, cradling his head and sobbing.

"I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to go away. Please, please, don't be sick! Don't be dying. I cant...I-I can't… I can't live without you. Oh, please, God, don't make me live without you. I just can't do it. I'm not as strong as you… I'm not as good as you. Oh-h God. Oh-h God," he sobbed, and Axel hugged him the best he could, letting Roxas get it all out.

"I don't want to be left here alone… That sounds so selfish, but it's true. Take me with you… I don't want to be all by myself, I don't want to wake up and remember that you're not here. I don't want to keep remembering everything. I just don't want to live if you're not here!" he sobbed, and he sobbed, and he sobbed. Because really, what else could he do?

And when he went quiet, Axel's tiny, skinny hands lifted his cheeks. His eyes, the part of him that always seemed alive, were worried, but strangely peaceful and content.

"Sing me a million songs. Write me letters. Talk to me every day. Remember to laugh, because really, what isn't funny? Jump up and down… Dance for me. Go to gardens and museums and read and write and do everything I can't do anymore. God, Rox, I know it's going to be hard. God, that's the only thing I regret, leaving you. I'd rather…well… die, then have to leave you. But as things are, that's not happening. Please, keep living for me. Keep smiling and laughing and talking and singing and being. I'm not afraid, Rox, of dying… not really. That's not the scary part. I guess I'm taking the easy way… The scary part is living. I'm so sorry… If you can never forgive me, I won't blame you. But Roxas, you just have to keep thinking it's worth it. You have to keep loving and living and… and… and…-" Axel broke off, two twin tears pooling in his eyes and falling out. He turned away for a moment, collecting himself before he continued.

"Remember me. Remember when I used to call you short, and then you used to put snails in my lunchbox? Remember that. Remember when I asked you to be my girlfriend in fourth grade? Remember that. Remember when I tried to get you to pretend to be me so I wouldn't have to go to my grandma's house? Remember that. Remember when I tried to fit into your luggage when you went to Florida? Remember that. Remember me. Remember me and remember everything else. God, Rox, I know I'm dying… but it doesn't mean I'm not going to be here. It doesn't mean we don't have some time left. I still have a few weeks, Rox. Just, remember me. You know, they said in some fancy religion that you're still alive as long as someone remembers you, and that the only time you really die is when you're forgotten. So… just try to remember to remember me."

After that, Roxas tried his best to make every moment with Axel count. He'd spend entire days staring at him as he read. They'd sit outside and eat picnic food in their backyard. One day, then invited the entire gang over for a little party. Everyone had a great time, but there was only one thing that Roxas regretted. He hated all the sympathy. He hated that some of their friends acted like Axel had already died. He hated it.

"I'm so sorry for you loss," Zexion told him when they found themselves alone. Roxas tried to say something, but could think of nothing and just nodded and averted his eyes. Zexion lingered, looking like he wanted to say something, but finally just put a hand on Roxas's shoulder and then went into the other room.

Demyx was nearly as unemotional. When it was time for him and Zexion to leave, he tried to act tough and just bit his lip and nodded his head goodbye. Two minutes after he walked out of the door, he ran back in and tackle hugged Axel, sending them both sprawling into a couch.

Demyx sobbed uncontrollably, like a little child. After all, the group had been through thick and thin together… Demyx and Axel, they had almost been like brothers.

"Axel…please don't die!" he wept, and Axel, looking both uncomfortable and extremely remorseful just hugged his old friend.

"Demy… The only thing I'm sad or regretful about is that I don't have enough time. I'm not scared, you know, of dying. I just wish I had more time… more time to do everything I wish I could have… and I wish I didn't have to leave all of you… I regret that there wasn't enough time, and I regret leaving the people I love… but Dem, it's gonna happen. You have to let go. Plus, it's not like I'll never see you again, y'know?" Axel told him, wiping away Demyx's tears. Axel tried to smile, but it kind of came out strangled and in pain. He just sighed and adjusted his red cap, looking at the rest of their friends.

Luxord was standing in the corner avoiding everyone's eyes. He knew was death was. His fiancée, Jessica, was hit by a train. Luxord knew what death was, and he didn't like it.

Sora, Kairi, and Riku were all sitting on chairs close to Axel, like they were afraid that if they weren't close enough, he might disappear without them seeing. Really, they were more of Roxas's friends than Axel's… but Axel was nice like that.

Namine, Hayner, Olette, and Pence had stopped by a few hours ago, but the place smelled like death and tears, so they really couldn't stay around for too long before they had to leave. Namine had touched Roxas's arm and smiled in a way that was so gentle that Roxas almost started sobbing, but instead chose to accept Nam's hug and let her leave.

Most of the rest of the group had been sitting on the couches by Axel, but one by one, they'd left, and the atmosphere was so thick with humidity from tears that Roxas guessed they thought they shouldn't cry around Axel and had gone home to cry.

Everyone knew what the party was, really. No one would say it, no one really could say it after all, but everyone knew why they were having it. It would be the last time they'd probably ever see Axel alive… the party was to say their goodbyes.

Axel had always been the life of the party. He'd be witty and smirking and cocky and arrogant. Still… there was something about him that had been soft and loyal, too. He'd do anything for a friend, even if he'd whine about it for a little while. He always knew the right thing to say. Roxas told him once that if he wasn't so flaming gay, he'd be a good politician.

Soon, everyone had filtered out and gone home. Axel sat on the couch kind of stiffly, and Roxas knew that he was probably going to cry that night when he thought Roxas was asleep.

So Roxas sat next to him on the couch and told Axel what he knew he should have ages ago. It was so obvious to him that Axel was lying, even if it wasn't obvious to anyone else.

"I know you're scared of dying," Roxas mumbled to Axel as they sat close on the couch. Axel turned to him, his eyes a little wide and his mouth a little open.

"It's okay to be afraid of it, you know? You don't have to pretend you're not… I know you're only doing this for me, and for them… but Axel, I think it's time you let us comfort you. I've been… I've been so selfish. I've only been thinking about me, and what the hell I'm going to do. I… I know you're afraid, and I'm afraid too. It's ok…really… anyone would be afraid, Axel," Roxas told him, staring into those pools of ivy and watching them pool up with tears.

"I knew you'd understand," Axel mumbled before he laid into Roxas's chest and finally sobbed for all the things he was afraid of, and all of the things he'd never do or never see again.

A few minutes later, when Axel's tears eased up, he shifted on the couch to look at Roxas.

"I'm just so… I don't know. I guess afraid is the word. I hate it… but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll never see the clouds again. I'm going to miss the fresh air, and seeing your face. I'm scared about what happens after death. I'm so selfish… but it's scary to know that everyone else's lives are going to go on, and mine won't. I'm scared that you'll find another me… but at the same time, I want you to… but not really. God, I'm so fucking selfish. I want to see another day. I want to read a million books. I want to go to all the countries in the world and sing in every cathedral in those countries with the fancy ones. I want… I want to make love to you… I want to be able to hold you and not have you be afraid that you're going to break me or something. I want to watch a sunset and know I'm for sure going to see another one. I want to be able to see our friends without knowing they really want to cry… I just want to live," he admitted, fresh tears rolling from his eyes. Roxas tried not to cry, but he couldn't and they sat there, feeling like idiots, crying.

"I-I… I can't help… w-with a lot of those… but I can love you… and I can… touch you and kiss you… and… I can remember you… and I don't have to have _another_ you… I don't want another _fake_ you. I just want _you_. I… I love you, Axel. I love you so much," he told the redhead, and that night in bed, they made love, sweetly, roughly, and in a way so pure it couldn't really be pure at all.

The next doctor Roxas saw told him that Axel probably only had a week left, at best. The redhead was becoming paler than ever, his eyes sunken, though never dead. His eyes were always as alive as he should've been.

"I'm not ready, Rox. I'm just not ready," Axel told him once, as they sat in the backyard watching stars. Roxas took Axel's hand and gave it a squeeze. They both knew there was nothing left to say that they hadn't said, and a small touch meant so much more, sometimes, then millions of words ever could. A gentle squeeze meant, "I know," and "I'm not either."

The day Axel died, they both knew it. Axel woke up that morning, shivering under piles of blankets. Roxas spent the day by his bedside, holding Axel's hand as the redhead went in and out of consciousness.

"This is the end, isn't it?" Axel asked, once, when Roxas thought he was unconscious. "I know it's the end, but I'm fighting it. I don't want to leave you," he said, and opened his eyes, struggling to keep his gaze on Roxas.

"But it's not the end. It's just… just… a new… beginning," he struggled, forcing his green eyes onto Roxas's blue ones. "I love you, Roxas," he said.

"I love you too, Axel, I love you so much. So much," Roxas said, and he kissed Axel's cheek and his tears rolled on Axel's cheeks as week hands struggled around his back.

"I know Roxas… I know… I'm so sorry… for leaving… you. I…Love…You…"

And then, he was gone.

* * *

Days were like minutes. Hours were like days. The funeral was long and sad. All of Roxas's family and all of Axel's family were in tears. Axel had only been 26. No one should ever die so young, they said. All of their friends were there, too. Demyx cried the hardest, and Roxas couldn't cry at all. He was too out of tears. 

The next day… the strangest thing happened. A man arrived at the door, and delivered one lone Yellow Zinnia. Attached, was a note.

_Roxas-_

_Hi. I guess you really didn't expect to hear from me. Yellow Zinnias are for daily remembrance. Or, well, that's what they mean anyway. Each day, when you get a Yellow Zinnia, and you WILL get one each day for the next year… sit on the back porch for a couple of minutes and remember me. Remember the good times, remember the bad ones. That way, I'm never going to be dead. When the year's up… I want you to move on. When the year's over, I release you from all my ties. Find a nice boy. Be happy. Yeah, I'll be jealous, but I'll just cut off his balls in the next life, y'know? Ha Ha Ha… kidding. Anyhow. I love you. I'll always love you… but you're going to need to move on. I'm giving you a year to mourn. Then that's it._

_A thousand kisses,_

_-Axel_

"But I don't want to move on!" Roxas told Axel, staring at the letter. Then he took the flower and sat in the backyard, crying. How could he move on when he knew he never would?

Still… days went by. People said time heals wounds, and somehow, it was kind of right. Each day, Roxas would take the flowers and sit in the backyard. After that, he'd do something. Between his part time job and the flower sitting… there was still a lot of time.

He read books. He started writing. He found out he was really good at writing. Halfway through the year, he had written a book, titled "Daily Remembrance," an autobiography of his time with Axel. Surprisingly, it was published and the sales were pretty good. He was able to quit his job and even took a little trip to Italy. He smiled and laughed and just had fun, seeing as he invited Demyx along. Zexion would've gone too, but he hated planes.

"I miss him," Demyx told Roxas as they ate in a restaurant one night. Roxas grew quiet and took out a yellow Zinnia from his bag and had Demyx hold it with him as they remembered.

"I miss him too. More than he'll ever know," Roxas mumbled. But that was the last they spoke of him. The rest of the time, they tried to have the most fun they could in Italy.

Soon enough, the year was ending. November was cold and dreary. Still, Roxas was happy. Each Yellow Zinnia he could he knew would be closer to the last one. Though he was happy, he feared that a note would be on the last one, and he wasn't sure if he could handle it. Each Yellow Zinnia was like a word from the dead… Still, Roxas was happy to have something, anything from Axel. He didn't think he could ever move on, though, not really.

"I'm not sorry I met you… I'm not sorry it's over… I'm not sorry there's nothing to say," Roxas told Axel's gravestone one day when he finally could go to the cemetery. He laid that day's Yellow Zinnia down on the grave and sat for a while, just talking.

"I met with Demyx the other day for coffee. The guy's so broken up about it, still. God, I hope Zexion does some good with him. You know, though… he's really not that good at his sitar," Roxas laughed, then continued, "I really miss you, you know? I miss how you used to be able to get me out of those moods… and I miss how you used to take care of me. God, you always took care of me, Ax, even when I didn't want you to. You helped me get off of alcohol… you helped me remember why I lived. I… I just miss you so much. But, it's getting better. It gets better everyday. You've helped me so much, Axel. I see little things now, like the way the sun hits trees and I've read a ton of books. I'm really good at writing, I found that out because of you. There are so many things you've done for me… I just wish I could have told you," Roxas admitted, and wiped a few tears off his cheek. Still, things were getting easier to bear each day.

The wind whistled through the trees, and the sun began to set, and as Roxas watched, a color so vibrant appeared in the sky. It was red, a deep red, like the afterglow that rose in the coals of a dying fire. Roxas laughed merrily at it, and his laughter turned into sobbing for all he had lost and for all that he knew he would one day gain.

Christmas passed quickly, bringing friends, but also a deep sorrow. It was his first Christmas ever that he hadn't spent with Axel. They'd been neighbors as children, so at least part of every Christmas had been spent with Axel. It was a sad time, but while reflecting with his Yellow Zinnia, he knew it was going to be the first of many other, happy Christmases and he felt better.

Each day he got a new Zinnia was another day he knew he would never get one again, not from Axel. Each day was remorseful, but each day was content. Finally, New Year 's Eve arrived. He received his last Yellow Zinnia, attached with a note.

_Roxas-_

_Happy New Year! Like I told you, I only gave you a year for mourning. Rox, your year is up. Now, if you're the same Roxas I know, you're probably yelling about how that isn't enough time and how you can't possibly move on because you miss me so damn much. Well, guess what? Get over it! It's your fucking life, Rox, not mine. It's never been mine, I just shared it with you for a while. You need to go do something now. Go find something or somebody that makes you happy. Live in the moment, or, god, for my sake, just live. Don't make me haunt your dead beat ass! Roxas… It was never about dying, this story, our story, it wasn't about me dying. It's about living. Rox, you can't spend your life waiting to die. You have to live. For me. Do what I couldn't, be who I couldn't be. Your life isn't over yet. Just mine._

_A million yellow Zinnias,_

_-Axel_

Roxas folded up the note and took his last Zinnia. He stared at it for a while, then smiled. He was only 24, he had his whole life ahead of him. Somehow, living had never meant so much to him.

"Thank you, Axel. Thank you so much. Maybe it won't be today, or tomorrow, but I'm going to find something to make me happy. I'll never forget you… but I'm not going to spend forever remembering either," Roxas told the flower, and then threw it in the fireplace, watching the smoke and ashes rise into chimney and into the sky.

Because it was never really about dying, it was about living, and Roxas thought as he walked out the door to visit his friends for a New Years Bash, today, he'd start living again.

* * *

Author's Note: Right. So, this story has a lot of meaning to me. Any people who have loved ones who get sick know that it's never easy being the one left behind. This story probably had a little too much emotion and not enough action, but that's kind of how I remember things happening when things happened for our family. 

Reviews make me smile! You should give me some.

-Crimson


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